Tuesday, October 25, 2005

It is a strange thing

mourning. The death of my grandmother has affected me worse than I ever dreamed it would. We had to wait 6 days for her funeral and it was the longest 6 days of my life. It was a logistical problem with the cemetery and the funeral home that held up the services. I think it was God. It gave time for my oldest cousin time to get home from a mission trip from Banglesh and hopefully time for my dad's heart to become tender to the conviction of the Holy Spirit.

I did not see Nan a lot, usually two or three times a month but I have just felt empty and lifeless this week. I tried to go shopping for a new outfit for the funeral and just couldn't do it. I feel on the verge of tears constantly and don't understand it. I know she is in Heaven, and that should keep me laughing for cryin out loud! (Maybe I am just hormonal)

I know I have to grieve in my own way and in my own time. I just never dreamed it would hurt so much. I am sad for my dad and his sister, and my middle brother and my mother. They helped her with her daily life; shopping, styling her hair for the weekend, yardwork, house hold repairs etc. They probably feel a hole much bigger than I do.

Life goes on and all that jazz.

Maybe if I could dream of her I would feel better. The only thing that helps right now is prayer, and that is always a good thing. God speaks to me in that still small voice and reminds me that He is with me and will carry me through this.

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