Tuesday, October 25, 2005

It is a strange thing

mourning. The death of my grandmother has affected me worse than I ever dreamed it would. We had to wait 6 days for her funeral and it was the longest 6 days of my life. It was a logistical problem with the cemetery and the funeral home that held up the services. I think it was God. It gave time for my oldest cousin time to get home from a mission trip from Banglesh and hopefully time for my dad's heart to become tender to the conviction of the Holy Spirit.

I did not see Nan a lot, usually two or three times a month but I have just felt empty and lifeless this week. I tried to go shopping for a new outfit for the funeral and just couldn't do it. I feel on the verge of tears constantly and don't understand it. I know she is in Heaven, and that should keep me laughing for cryin out loud! (Maybe I am just hormonal)

I know I have to grieve in my own way and in my own time. I just never dreamed it would hurt so much. I am sad for my dad and his sister, and my middle brother and my mother. They helped her with her daily life; shopping, styling her hair for the weekend, yardwork, house hold repairs etc. They probably feel a hole much bigger than I do.

Life goes on and all that jazz.

Maybe if I could dream of her I would feel better. The only thing that helps right now is prayer, and that is always a good thing. God speaks to me in that still small voice and reminds me that He is with me and will carry me through this.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Nan's passport to Heaven

Tuesday, October 18, 2005 my Nan cashed in her ticket to Heaven. It was her most treasured possession. She has had it since 1929 and it was dog-eared with daily use.

She had surgery to remove a malignant tumor from her ovary and made it through the surgery with a few complications. Her doctor told us it was worse than we had originally thought because she had two tumors...the cancer had spread to the lower portion of her colon. No wonder she was having such a hard time and such pain!

The whole time the doctor was telling us of her options after recovery I was feeling in my soul that we would not even have to worry about treatment options. I knew that she was not going to see the next day. I knew when I kissed her sweet little face right before she went into surgery that it would be the last time I saw her alive. She was 92 years old for Heaven's sake....the surgery would be hard for a young person to go through, much less someone her age. But the risk of the surgery far outweighed the thought of her suffering and being in the pain she was in the rest of her life.

She died just like she would have wanted and just like we have always prayed for. She just went to sleep. Sometime between Recovery and ICU she took a down hill turn and was not able to recover. I think it was her heart because they had to give her 2 units of blood and I think it put her in to congestive heart failure....she just couldn't pump the blood effectively.

She had signed a DNR and had a Living Will and did not want any life saving measures. It was hard for her doctor to watch her die and agonizing for my family members who were there too. Her children were not present, only my two brothers their wives and my mother. I did not make it to the hospital in time either, and that hurt me so bad. I wanted to tell her not to stay here to go on to Heaven if she could, that we would be ok and we would see her again. I know she knew that but I was selfish and wanted to say it. Partly for my peace and partly for hers too.

She was an independent little woman who lived alone til the day she died. She didn't want any unnecessary help but did require some help with small daily tasks. She live simply and humbly, loving her family, and happily reconciled to her life. She had a wonderful lifesong and now it will sing through me by the things she taught me by the example of her life.

If anyone reads this please pray for my dad's rededication of his life to Jesus. His heart is at its most tender right now and I pray that this will be the day that he turns back to Jesus. My dad is a good man but just not living for God right now, and thinks that being a good man is enough. I adore him and prayed that if God has to break him to get through his tough exterior that it happen now.

I am really happy that Nan is in Heaven with Pap. She has been alone for 20 years without him. I know she longed to go home. When we told her we thought she would see 100 yrs she said, "I sure hope not, how BORING!!"

I believe she knew she would not make it and that may have been her way of controlling her death just like she controlled her life. She told my Dad right before they left for the hospital, "If I don't make it tell everyone that I love them and I will see them again in Heaven." I look forward to that day. I have my ticket already.

It was a good day because my Nan went to Heaven. I hope they have icecream in Heaven because my Nan loved icecream.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Freakishly Short Post

Wow! It has been a while since my last post. Been busy working, too busy to blog. No one reads this anyway, so who cares??

If there are believers out there reading this, please pray for my Nan. She is having surgery to remove a malignant mass from her ovaries next week. She is 92 years old and in relatively good health, but I am still scared for her. She is a believer and I don't worry about her salvation. She is a wonderful Christian example, and has been all my life. She was the one who took us to church when we were little children. What memories those are!!

Gotta run.....my daughters are still up and it is past 9pm. It will be another hard morning!