Monday, August 28, 2006

Things I Would Love to Say at Work But Shouldn't

I can see your point, but I still think you are full of flarkey.

I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it is hard to pronounce.

How about NEVER!? Is never good for you??

I see you have set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. (there was a woman who came in the office in her bathrobe today. she was not a patient...she brought someone in. c'mon now, how hard is it to grab a bra and teeshirt? she had pants on and a bathrobe!)

I am really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I am out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...........beeeeeep!

It sounds like English, but I don't understand a word you are saying to me.

You are validating my inherent distrust of strangers.
(wow this one is true....i can peg a liar, a druggie and a cheater within the first few minutes of checking them in.)

I am already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
(i may try this one on my children. i have it on good authority it works.)

I will always cheristh the initial misconceptions I had about you.

Thank you, We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view
(now go back to your room....)

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
(it actually means you are an idiot and you are weird)

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
(what color is the sky in your world?)

What am I ? Flypaper for FREAKS?
(no, but some of y'all are!)

I am not being rude, you are just insignificant.

(actually I probably do.......)

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
(thank God!)

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer at no extra charge.

If I throw a stick will you leave?

Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
( i have no response to this)

Nice perfume, must you marinate in it?
(one of our allergy shot patients comes in and has bathed in her cologne. we want to tell her that if she would lay off the cologne, she might not need the shots......and it isn't even something that smells smells like bug spray!)

Chaos, panic and disorder-my work here is done.
(I am SO good at confusing is a gift.)

How do I set a laser printer to stun?
(how about KILL!?)

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

(in all honesty, I really am thankful for my job and my co-workers......well some of them. the others are just annoying)

Disclaimer: I am not the author of these witty comments. The copy I have does not list an author.....and I plan on using some of these tomorrow. ;o)


  1. I believe you to be toooo sweet to say any of those things.

  2. dang, anne beat me to first place. i'm gonna kick her in the butteox

  3. dang. i was thinking you had thought of all that stuff, and i was really impressed. i bet you COULD have thought of them, huh?

  4. Question.

    What is flarkey? I've heard of Bull Malarkey, but not flarkey.

    I can't believe someone showed up in a bathrobe. Did you take her picture to send to Stacy and oh, wait, you don't watch that show, never mind.

  5. We got those cologne/perfume customers occasionally at the frame shop. Whatever the weather outside all doors must be open to let some air in! Those stinky customers and the ones who stay for an hour with their poopy diaper kid.

  6. Anne: just try me. i can be a meanie if i am pushed up against a wall.

    Susie: yes i could have thought of some of them....but i couldn't say them without laughing my butte off!

    Leslee: flarkey is what carly called malarkey once when she was a toddler. she came running to me tattling on my dad, "Mama! Papa said I was full of flarkey!!" she was crying big ole crocodile tears too....just broken hearted.

    Jenn: I have a spiffy red desk fan on my desk that I can turn away from me and blow the smellies away. (thanks to Susie!!) I should take a picture of it. We had a poopy man in the office last week. he came up to the front desk and asked for a plunger in front of a room full of patients. i am so glad i was not here when that happened...i am not sure i could keep a straight face.

  7. These are some really good zingers. I have actually seen some of them posted in various offices, mostly at medical clinics I have been in! So if you can't say it with a straight face, post it! That does the trick!

  8. Okay AJ,
    I put up a post today.
    I also found where you hid the liquor.....

  9. OMG!!
    Those are hilarious - and they work just fine on tourists too... I've had a need to know what to say to them at times.. Now I know! Thank you oh so much, AJ!!


Don't be shy! Be a commenter...the world needs more commenters.